Category: funny

Things that I find entertaining

Those Italian deer…

So, Grace had a birthday. She got lots of presents, including Sly Cooper 3 for her PS2.

Then, Cy had his Big Band thing again this year. Grace and I went to eat first, then we all went to eat afterwards, at the Y Bar and Grill.

Since G and I had already eaten, we only got some appetizers — some cheese bread, and some venison skewers. As long as the venison had not been in the spicy sauce they served it with, she loved it. We talked about how venison was deer meat, and she ate more still…

Then, the next day, she and Cy were playing Sly3. Where is Sly, in the world? Why, Venice, of course! So Grace demonstrated her mastery of word roots by asking

Is Sly inside a deer?

Yes, I’m bragging.

Not mine, but I like it…

From Neil Steinberg’s op-ed in the Chicago Sun-Times:

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the interstate. Nothing is moving.

Suddenly a man walks over. The driver rolls down his window and asks: ‘‘What’s going on?’’

‘‘Terrorists down the road have kidnapped George W. Bush and
Dick Cheney. They’re asking for a $100 million ransom. Otherwise
they’re going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We’re
going from car to car, taking up a collection.’’

The driver asks, ‘‘How much is everyone giving, on average?’’

‘‘Most people are giving about a gallon.’’

Musical puns

So, we’re driving home after desert last night, and Grace asks for “Kids music” (preset 4 on the satelite radio).

A song called “Lonely Broccoli” comes on, in a 1950’s style.

I couldn’t decide if it was “broc-a-billy” or “do-wok”.

Now, my revenge is complete.

So, Cy and I played a full 18 holes together today.

Having never played the back 9 before, we were both pretty amazed when I parred hole 10.

Hole 12

And, to make my revenge complete, it needs to be noted that I outdrove him on 15 of the 18 holes.

Just ducky!

Oh, and we took Grace for a walk to feed the ducks popcorn!
Finally, I got to play craps, and we left the table up $450.

Panic, then an interesting round…and as good a happy ending as one could expect!

Why did we go to the mountains for spring break? To let Grace play in the snow!

So, this morning, we joined up with Cy’s sister’s family, and caravanned mostly up the mountain.

The road before it got narrowSeveral miles into the 12-mile trip up, Cy started feeling odd. He had just taken his blood pressure medication, so I told him to pull over and let me do the driving. So, off we start again, with me at the wheel. It’s a new car — this is perhaps the fifth time I’ve ever driven it. Well, let’s make sure it’s known that it is a truck. The two-lane road — actually, more like one and a half lanes — has no guardrail. It’s a mountain, so of course the road twists and turns, often sharply. I’m trying to stay as far from the edge as I can, but there is traffic going down.

That’s when I announce, as casually as I can:

I’m having a panic attack.

Cy’s response?

No, you’re not.

Oh, yeah. Let’s have an argument now! Have you ever tried to shut a stupid fscker up? And no matter how many times I told him to shut up, he just had to have the last word.

snowballFinally, we got to another stopping point. Out we go, and Grace throws some snowballs at Cy while I calm down. We give Cy’s sister, who had stopped to let us catch up, the sleds (prompting the heartbreaking question “Why are you giving aunt Judy my sleds?”) and they continue on their way.

We, meanwhile, let G play for a few moments before we turn around. Let’s face it — we couldn’t go on.

Later that afternoon, Cy went to play golf. I thought it was too cold — and it was, when he started. He played the back nine, but I joined him for the front nine.I started out with 3 balls, marked “Top-Flite 3”. I ended with 3 balls, marked “Top-Flite 3”. I played nine holes without losing a single ball.

 

The same 3 balls I started with.

And, of course, my revenge is not complete, despite mentioning that Cy lost one on the front nine today…

And, when Judy got back, she told us it was too cold and windy to let the kids play in the snow.Yay! We did the right thing!

 

And the kicker is: she wasn’t even vaguely overweight!

So, we went golfing today. Actually, I caught up with Cy on the 10th hole, where we had to play from the red tees, because a wedding was taking place on the gold tee box there. Nice set-up.

Then, we play the back nine, and as we’re driving back to the car from the 18th hole, we pass the bride, waiting in the passenger seat of another golf cart.

In my mind, I immediately saw that the driver was the person who was going to give her away, and he was going to drive her up the aisle in the cart. She would get out, and the rigamarole about “Who gives this woman…” “…I do” would be followed by the protracted beeeeeeeeeeep as he put the cart into reverse and backed up to his seat.

I know I’d love for that to happen at my wedding!

Pun + lunch = punch

So, Damon and I go to lunch today. At Zen.

He orders the spicy chicken bowl, white meat, white rice.

I order the spicy chicken bowl, white meat, brown rice.

He comments

Ah, one of those brown-rice heathens, eh?

To which my reply is:

Hey, I’m not a riceist!

He’s still trying not to hit me…

So why am I in trouble today?

…because at school, Grace was playing with the tea set. Her teacher asked,

“Are you making tea?”

And so, my daughter replied,

“No, I’m making Mexican Martinis for everyone, and I need olives, please!”

Ah, that’s my girl!

You know, I’m pretty sure she just wanted the olives…

A useless transition

Oh, yeah. I’ve started golfing.

Don’t laugh — it’s as close as I’ll ever get to real exercise.

Why announce it, however? Here’s why: I’ve finally made the transition from “Jerk with clubs in a cart” to “really, really bad golfer”.